~Seeking Truths~ asked: Without going into much detail, my husband’s brother sexually molested me one night (obviously, against my will and to my great shock). It didn’t progress too far, since I put an immediate stop to it, but I still have the lingering feelings of violation, shattered trust, fear, guilt, etc. I informed my husband immediately, who was obviously stunned, but admits he does believe me. He acknowledges his brother doesn’t have the best morals or attitude, but neither of us dreamed it’d be this bad (Who Does think that about a family member?) However, we have argued incessantly about how to proceed from that point. I don’t want a thing to do with his brother, to even be in the same location as him. I don’t want additional drama, I don’t want to keep presenting opportunities for anything else, or something worse, to happen, and I’m afraid of any reactions (whether my own, his, or my husband’s) that may take place. I feel this is a very private situation and I don’t really desire to involve my husband’s entire family, but I understand they’d need to know something, since I won’t be partaking in any family gatherings. I’ve offered to host Christmas & Thanksgiving dinners at our house, so we can avoid his brother’s presence, but my husband insists his family won’t make the effort to drive up (they all live about 45 minutes away). He feels, and I quote, “they shouldn’t have to suffer for us not wanting to tolerate [his brother's] presence”. Hearing this sort of made me snap, since I feel *I* shouldn’t have to suffer for this man’s awful actions. My husband also continually states how I must ‘get over it and move on’….but I feel some actions are unforgiveable, and I certainly know these feelings are going to be anything but mullified if I have to be in his brother’s presence again. Now, my husband accuses me of ‘alienating him from his family’, even though I’m now making more of an effort to visit with them than he ever has before this all went down, to keep the peace between us and them and reassure them it’s not THEIR fault, nor are we going to be holding it against them. My husband doesn’t feel they’ll understand “our” (namely, my) stance and wishes to not be near his brother, and that it’ll just raise a lot of problems and people will be upset against us for ‘holding a grudge’. If this was any other matter, I could consider forgiveness and the whole ‘getting over it’….but, in my mind, this action was *awful* and I don’t even want to associate with people like that - ESPECIALLY if they are family and still capable of such a thing. Needless to say, this has brought GREAT distance between my husband and myself. I’m beginning to feel hostile and unsupported. I feel as if he’s not even making an effort to make something work where we don’t have to expose ourselves to his brother. I totally am aware there will, ultimately, be events where we’ll have to see him, but those situations would be large and important enough to keep the ‘past’ behind us for the duration. Am I wrong to be feeling this need of seperation from his brother - for both himself and me, as I feel a marriage IS a unity, and he should be standing by my side without any resentment or force?
In response to questions, the 3 of us plus my friend were sitting in his hot tub one night. His brother made a crude, intrusive, dirty sexual advance on me (below the water) Since my husband was on the other side, I knew it wasn’t him. When I looked over at the brother, he was leering at me (*cringe*). I jumped out & ran into the house, my husband followed. I told him, but we didn’t have time to discuss it b4 I heard my friend repeatedly saying “No…no” and the brother ’strongly pushing’ for certain actions - trying to stay PG, here. I made my husband go out and rescue her, but I also am to blame for nothing having been confronted. The brother’s fiancee and newborn daughter had been asleep upstairs during the entire ordeal, & I didn’t want to hurt them (misdirected, I realize now), so we left. I’m not an aggressive person & am actually a **** victim (from 10 years ago), so it’s a fear of confrontation for me. Plus, I don’t feel it’d resolve anything. He has made no effort to apologize
I appreciate everyone’s insight and willingness to help. I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to be in the man’s presence again, let alone just ‘get over it and move on’. This is a seriously traumatizing ordeal for me and I don’t feel opening the door to more hurt, more possible wrong-doings by “getting over it” and allowing this man back into our life is something that’s going to work. Unfortunately, that’s leaving it as a stalemate for my husband and I. I feel I’m willing to work around his family get-togethers (where the brother will be present) for the sake of our marriage, but he feels I need to move on for the sake of our relationship with all of his family. I’m not sure how to work with these aspects…there doesn’t seem to be a all-around solution.
Veronica
