Fighting For Your Marriage

Basically, I feel that I am going through a mid-life crisis. I am almost 31 and have been married for almost four years. We got married after four months of dating so we really didn’t get a chance to get to know and love each other the right way. I liked him and he liked me and that’s all that mattered at the time. We have been through some tough times. It started off with his **** addiction that he didn’t bother to disclose prior to marriage, then he cheated on me in 2007. I can honestly say that I am still not over that. He would like me to put that behind me but deep down inside he knows that it still eats me up inside.
Things have gotten a lot better over the past year or so, but I sometimes feel that I am not emotionally capable of being a good wife. My husband requires a lot of attention (he is an only child so go figure) and just doesn’t understand that I am mentally and emotionally tired. If he calls me at work and I am not in a chipper mood he makes a big deal about it. He said “he should put a smile on my face, but he never hears a smile on the other end of the phone”. My job is very stressful and the workload in conjunction with my personal life is stressing me out right now, and has been for a while. He takes everything so personal – well, I guess we both do at times. I have a lot on my plate. I keep up with and pay all of our bills, make payment arrangements if and when it’s necessary, do most of the grocery shopping, clean the house when it gets done, and cook the majority of the time when we do eat at home. I do most of the “thinking” in our marriage while he acts non-chalant.
On top of all that, I am worried about not being able to have a baby. I have some hormonal issues, but we are trying to conceive our first child. The problem is, my mind is rarely focused into doing the most obvious thing to have a baby – have ***. I am always too tired (mentally) or I just don’t have the urge. I would say on average I want *** three to four times out of a month and that’s it. He is the one always pressing the issue, which you can’t blame him, and he is constantly giving me a hard time because I never initiate it. It’s kind of hard to initiate it when he’s always touching or groping me trying to make it happen. I think I would be more interested if he’d just let it happen naturally. It has nothing to do with him or his performance; that’s all great! This issue has caused problems before of the frequency, but at times we have *** three or four times per week so he is satisfied.
It’s almost like he is waiting for the very moment that my flow stops so he can initiate something. It drives me nuts and he knows that, but then he makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. He is a very touchy-feely kind of person and I am the opposite. I don’t like people smooching on me every ten minutes whereas he loves that, and I try to do it. I don’t know what to do in this situation. My heart desires to please my husband and change my attitude about things, but I just can’t seem to figure out how to accomplish that. He has hurt me in many ways, but I do care about him and want things to be “normal”. I am the type of person who worries about everything, and that worry gets in the way of my daily life.

Arlene